ok so i havent posted a journal in like forever on here. or a poem for that matter. but i'll post a few poems up in about a month or so when i get back home so yea. i dont really care who reads this and who doesnt b/c its just a place for me to spill my heart out about everything and not having to worry about my friends or other ppl i know reading about it so i dont have to worry about them judging me or saying something stupid. ok so first things first, i'm not home at the moment, well i'm at my summer home as i've been calling it. i'm in oklahoma visiting my sister and as most know i live in north carolina and i have 2 sisters. but i'm here visiting my oldest sister and my nephews and all that. i've been here 2 weeks today and i have a little over a month left. i dont really want to go back home b/c well just drama pretty much. i like things here and i dont have to worry about parents or guys. which they are both the main reasons i came here to begin with. b/c well about 7 months ago some stuff happened to me with my ex and it still gets to me and i finally was able to tell my parents so they let me come out here to get my life back together. but funny thing is, my other sister started dating him 2 months before i left. isnt that just great. but anywayz, when it comes to the guy i'm in love with and who i dated for 5 months last year and about a month or 2 this year, well yea. thats just more pain to go through. so here's the story to that, last year when we dated, his parents and my parents always got in the way. so we couldnt. and this year well i couldnt go through it b/c of wat happened with me and my ex and all the flashbacks. so yea, now that we've been talking again and i'm finally starting to get better so me and him were talking about dating when i got back to nc and well he came over before i left and he kissed me. well funny thing is, the night before last i had to find out from my mom that he called my ex and wanted to hang out with him, yea he knew it would upset me but he should have told me considering u knew i would find out. but anywayz, to the more important thing, the night before last i asked if there was anything he wasnt telling me(refering to the phone call) and he said not that he could think of b/c i knew everything. but then he told me that he technically still isnt broken up with his girlfriend. well hello, not only have u been talking to me about dating me when i get back but u even kissed me before i left. how fair exactly is that to me? its not. so i'm sitting here, and i'm pretty sick and i refuse to go and see a doctor b/c i'm scared of how serious it may actually be. which he doesnt know b/c why should i tell him about things that are going on with me when all i do is catch him lying to me and keeping secrets from me? and honestly i dont know wat to do b/c i love him a lot but i dont see why i should sit here and be put through more pain than wat i am already in just to try and be happy with him. i mean if he's not going to put anything into this than why should i? but if u did actually sit there and read all of this thank u. and if u have any advice i would really appreciate it. thax!



♥Melinda